Sigh. I think I'm dating no one - other than my dissertation - right now. Ethan and I still hang out a lot - we have a wonderfully intimate friendship. Ethan's seen me at my best and my worst and he still keeps coming back for more. It seems we need each other. I've been practicing being assertive with Andy, but it seems he left me hanging this weekend. At first I was upset because he didn't keep his word by getting back to me when he said he would. But rather than do my usual thing of thinking I've done or said something wrong, I sent him a text message the next day that said "It seems you left me hanging. My time is valuable to me. Please show me the same courtesy and respect you would give your clients." Of course, I still haven't heard from him, which is unusual, but I don't expect to hear from him again. I'm not sure what's going on with him, but my chick feelings are hurt. And, as far as I'm concerned, my relationship with Andy is over given his recent lack of communication. I don't want to be involved in any relationship that lacks communication. In any case, I decided to view this situation from a perspective that's different for me: all I know is that he didn't contact me when he said he would and he didn't reply to my text message, but I don't know why and there's no sense in believing I'm the problem. Maybe he's just not into me anymore. Maybe he's in jail. Maybe he died. Maybe I scared him off. Maybe he's testing me. Maybe he's an inconsiderate selfish asshole. Maybe he's badly injured. Maybe he's scared. Maybe he's having some personal problems. Maybe he got back together with his girlfriend. Maybe (insert reason here). No one knows but him and I certainly have no idea what's going on and I'm not going to continue to contact him to try to find out. So why dwell on it? Sometimes it's easier said than done, but I guess it's part of the learning-how-to-date process.
Speaking of which, I hired a dating coach on Friday. I'm excited! I don't know how to date. With all the kerfuffle with Ethan, Andy, and Bobby, I was more stressed than I was having fun. I let these experiences negatively effect my self-confidence and self-worth, and I've been stressed and anxious for the past few months. For as much as I exercise, I should be sleeping like the dead but I'm sleep challenged because my brain is over-analyzing every minute detail of my dating experiences (hey, I'm a Virgo so that's what I do - if I don't have a problem to solve, I'll make one up). So why not enlist the help of a professional? The goal of my dating coach is to help me be my most confident and attractive self. Seems like just what I need. I have two homework assignments: 1) journal every night before bed to get out all my disruptive thoughts and 2) incorporate fun into my social calendar. I haven't been having "fun" these past few months. I did some snowboarding in March but that's about it. Exercise doesn't count, although it does count for self-care.
Before I met my dating coach, I already knew I wasn't having much fun (all work and no play makes me a dull and cranky girl) so I checked out the shooting range (a nice way to alleviate aggression and develop a skill - I used to go shooting with my dad but stopped shooting after the gun-related incident with Santos), batting cages and driving ranges (also aggression relievers), and ice skating (I took ice hockey lessons a very long time ago but never played). I have a lot of energy and I like to expel it aggressively, which I don't get to do these days. I love kickboxing but I can't do it right now because I'm having issues with my right knee. Argh. While Ethan and I hang out a lot and I enjoy my time with him, we tend to stay in and watch movies or go out to dinner which are both sedentary activities, plus going out with a man is not helping me meet single men because people assume we're a couple. So I also need some single lady friends who enjoy the same activities as me - and I finally met one about two weeks ago. We'll be taking western swing dancing lessons together, and she's joining me for a theatre performance next month. I normally go to the theatre on Sunday afternoons, but she convinced me that Friday nights are when the single men troll for ladies downtown. Naturally, I switched my theatre for the Friday night performance. I'm also supposed to go out and listen to live music (another thing I love to do), but I haven't put that in my social calendar yet. So I'm making some progress and putting some fun in my social calendar. The idea is that if I'm having fun, I'm going to be happier which will make it easier for me to date and less likely for my self-confidence to falter.
I also met with my astrologer a week ago. I've been feeling desperate and impatient to be in a relationship, and I didn't understand why. I was very much attracted to Andy, but didn't know him well enough to know if I wanted a committed relationship with him, but, even so, I kept feeling this nagging sense of impatience. Well, my Mars has been opposite my Venus since March/April and will be through the middle of next year, with November being the most intense time. Basically, this creates a spark or a scratch that needs to be itched. The scratch? Desire for a relationship. Well, fuck me! I don't know if you believe in this stuff, but I do. It's eerie though. No wonder I've been feeling the whole "I want what I want and I want it now" the past few months. Now that I'm aware of it, I can better manage it. But my progressed Jupiter is sextile to Mars too, which means that I'll have smooth luck with men, and that my ability to assert myself, define my boundaries, and initiate what I want will be getting smoother. He also said that I've been waiting for men to lead me where I want to go, but I need to lead them there. My chart also shows skill development in the 6th house (Libra) which represents relationships - so my desire to develop skills for dating is right on target with where I'm supposed to be. Creepy, but cool.
I discussed my dating anxiety with my astrologer and he suggested a few things:
1) Allow myself to make one mistake each date and carry it only for that day then let it go.
2) Rather than sticking up for "myself," stick up for my acute sensitivity to fairness, justice, equality, and honor. This takes the pressure off me because I don't have to fight for myself, rather I can fight for fairness, justice, equality, and honor.
3) Stand up for my sense of fairness, justice, equality, and honor as it's violated. Catch it in the moment rather than allow repeated violations that eventually result in my blowing up.
4) Temper my negative thoughts using Byron Katie's The Work. When I have a negative thought ask myself the following questions: a) is it true? b) can I absolutely know that it's true? c) how do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought? and d) who would I be without that thought? By the time I hit "b," I can move past 99% of my negative thoughts. Like I said earlier, I have no idea why Andy didn't keep his word...even though he may be a douche bag I'm not 100% certain so I can't even entertain that idea even though it's my favorite Andy-related hypothesis.
5) I'm already great at flirting and socializing, but give myself permission to learn how to date since I haven't had much dating experience and my early relationship with Santos skewed me towards submission. It's time for me to break out of my submissive pattern (well, except for sex because I loved being a submissive with Andy), live my own life, and let the men fall into my life rather than organize my life around men.
I think I'll finally be coming into my own in regards to my romantic life. Women have the power in relationships, but we tend to give it away. I've given it away in every relationship, and none of my relationships have worked for me - although they've worked fine for the men - so I've exited all of them after years of agony, unhappiness, and resentment that was partly my fault for not speaking up for myself. But not anymore. I want to be satisfied and happy in a relationship, and the happier I am, the happier my partner will be too. I'm tired of the serial incompleteness I've experienced in my relationships. It's time to bring it all together into one relationship (astrologically speaking, too).
I joked with my dating coach that I could just pretend that I don't like any of the men I date - if I don't like them, I have no problem being a bitch - and I bet I'll have men falling all around my feet. I accept my own challenge. So with the help of Tucker Max's dating advice, the book Why Men Marry Bitches, my astrologer, my dating coach, and the men whom I choose to date, I'm going to let out my inner bitch. Who let the bitch out? I did! Finally!
I made one promise to myself: no more one-night stands, which I guess also means no sex on the first date. While I don't buy into all that crap that women have one-night stands and sex on the first date out of lack of self-respect, the vast majority of men and women sure do (thanks, you social construction of sexual behavior jerks) and even though I'd never want to be with a man who'd judge me for when I choose to have sex with him, I'm going to give this no-one-night-stand and no-sex-on-a-first-date thing a go. It will be interesting for me to navigate that, although it may make for less juicy and less interesting blogging. My dating coach wants me to try out my leopard dress on dates, but that dress usually gets me into trouble. We'll see if I can maintain this good girl demeanor when I'm wearing that dress. I'm sure I can.
Now I just need to get some dates...
Damn you, Andy, for leaving me hanging and forcing me to follow advice from Why Men Marry Women and my dating coach. I'm pulling back rather than doing the chick thing by calling and texting him begging for answers and apologies. With dating it seems like I have to accept uncertainty and the unknown. Andy pushed a lot of my boundaries, so I'm throwing myself to the wolves and facing my fears, dodging my demon birds, breaking my own rules to become something unknown, and continuing along my path to romance with some unknown yet lucky man. So, thank you, Andy, for helping push me out of my nest so I can learn how to fly. For that, I will always love you even though I will probably never get to tell you.
Speaking of which, I hired a dating coach on Friday. I'm excited! I don't know how to date. With all the kerfuffle with Ethan, Andy, and Bobby, I was more stressed than I was having fun. I let these experiences negatively effect my self-confidence and self-worth, and I've been stressed and anxious for the past few months. For as much as I exercise, I should be sleeping like the dead but I'm sleep challenged because my brain is over-analyzing every minute detail of my dating experiences (hey, I'm a Virgo so that's what I do - if I don't have a problem to solve, I'll make one up). So why not enlist the help of a professional? The goal of my dating coach is to help me be my most confident and attractive self. Seems like just what I need. I have two homework assignments: 1) journal every night before bed to get out all my disruptive thoughts and 2) incorporate fun into my social calendar. I haven't been having "fun" these past few months. I did some snowboarding in March but that's about it. Exercise doesn't count, although it does count for self-care.
Before I met my dating coach, I already knew I wasn't having much fun (all work and no play makes me a dull and cranky girl) so I checked out the shooting range (a nice way to alleviate aggression and develop a skill - I used to go shooting with my dad but stopped shooting after the gun-related incident with Santos), batting cages and driving ranges (also aggression relievers), and ice skating (I took ice hockey lessons a very long time ago but never played). I have a lot of energy and I like to expel it aggressively, which I don't get to do these days. I love kickboxing but I can't do it right now because I'm having issues with my right knee. Argh. While Ethan and I hang out a lot and I enjoy my time with him, we tend to stay in and watch movies or go out to dinner which are both sedentary activities, plus going out with a man is not helping me meet single men because people assume we're a couple. So I also need some single lady friends who enjoy the same activities as me - and I finally met one about two weeks ago. We'll be taking western swing dancing lessons together, and she's joining me for a theatre performance next month. I normally go to the theatre on Sunday afternoons, but she convinced me that Friday nights are when the single men troll for ladies downtown. Naturally, I switched my theatre for the Friday night performance. I'm also supposed to go out and listen to live music (another thing I love to do), but I haven't put that in my social calendar yet. So I'm making some progress and putting some fun in my social calendar. The idea is that if I'm having fun, I'm going to be happier which will make it easier for me to date and less likely for my self-confidence to falter.
I also met with my astrologer a week ago. I've been feeling desperate and impatient to be in a relationship, and I didn't understand why. I was very much attracted to Andy, but didn't know him well enough to know if I wanted a committed relationship with him, but, even so, I kept feeling this nagging sense of impatience. Well, my Mars has been opposite my Venus since March/April and will be through the middle of next year, with November being the most intense time. Basically, this creates a spark or a scratch that needs to be itched. The scratch? Desire for a relationship. Well, fuck me! I don't know if you believe in this stuff, but I do. It's eerie though. No wonder I've been feeling the whole "I want what I want and I want it now" the past few months. Now that I'm aware of it, I can better manage it. But my progressed Jupiter is sextile to Mars too, which means that I'll have smooth luck with men, and that my ability to assert myself, define my boundaries, and initiate what I want will be getting smoother. He also said that I've been waiting for men to lead me where I want to go, but I need to lead them there. My chart also shows skill development in the 6th house (Libra) which represents relationships - so my desire to develop skills for dating is right on target with where I'm supposed to be. Creepy, but cool.
I discussed my dating anxiety with my astrologer and he suggested a few things:
1) Allow myself to make one mistake each date and carry it only for that day then let it go.
2) Rather than sticking up for "myself," stick up for my acute sensitivity to fairness, justice, equality, and honor. This takes the pressure off me because I don't have to fight for myself, rather I can fight for fairness, justice, equality, and honor.
3) Stand up for my sense of fairness, justice, equality, and honor as it's violated. Catch it in the moment rather than allow repeated violations that eventually result in my blowing up.
4) Temper my negative thoughts using Byron Katie's The Work. When I have a negative thought ask myself the following questions: a) is it true? b) can I absolutely know that it's true? c) how do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought? and d) who would I be without that thought? By the time I hit "b," I can move past 99% of my negative thoughts. Like I said earlier, I have no idea why Andy didn't keep his word...even though he may be a douche bag I'm not 100% certain so I can't even entertain that idea even though it's my favorite Andy-related hypothesis.
5) I'm already great at flirting and socializing, but give myself permission to learn how to date since I haven't had much dating experience and my early relationship with Santos skewed me towards submission. It's time for me to break out of my submissive pattern (well, except for sex because I loved being a submissive with Andy), live my own life, and let the men fall into my life rather than organize my life around men.
I think I'll finally be coming into my own in regards to my romantic life. Women have the power in relationships, but we tend to give it away. I've given it away in every relationship, and none of my relationships have worked for me - although they've worked fine for the men - so I've exited all of them after years of agony, unhappiness, and resentment that was partly my fault for not speaking up for myself. But not anymore. I want to be satisfied and happy in a relationship, and the happier I am, the happier my partner will be too. I'm tired of the serial incompleteness I've experienced in my relationships. It's time to bring it all together into one relationship (astrologically speaking, too).
I joked with my dating coach that I could just pretend that I don't like any of the men I date - if I don't like them, I have no problem being a bitch - and I bet I'll have men falling all around my feet. I accept my own challenge. So with the help of Tucker Max's dating advice, the book Why Men Marry Bitches, my astrologer, my dating coach, and the men whom I choose to date, I'm going to let out my inner bitch. Who let the bitch out? I did! Finally!
I made one promise to myself: no more one-night stands, which I guess also means no sex on the first date. While I don't buy into all that crap that women have one-night stands and sex on the first date out of lack of self-respect, the vast majority of men and women sure do (thanks, you social construction of sexual behavior jerks) and even though I'd never want to be with a man who'd judge me for when I choose to have sex with him, I'm going to give this no-one-night-stand and no-sex-on-a-first-date thing a go. It will be interesting for me to navigate that, although it may make for less juicy and less interesting blogging. My dating coach wants me to try out my leopard dress on dates, but that dress usually gets me into trouble. We'll see if I can maintain this good girl demeanor when I'm wearing that dress. I'm sure I can.
Now I just need to get some dates...
Damn you, Andy, for leaving me hanging and forcing me to follow advice from Why Men Marry Women and my dating coach. I'm pulling back rather than doing the chick thing by calling and texting him begging for answers and apologies. With dating it seems like I have to accept uncertainty and the unknown. Andy pushed a lot of my boundaries, so I'm throwing myself to the wolves and facing my fears, dodging my demon birds, breaking my own rules to become something unknown, and continuing along my path to romance with some unknown yet lucky man. So, thank you, Andy, for helping push me out of my nest so I can learn how to fly. For that, I will always love you even though I will probably never get to tell you.
