Dating Experiments Summer 2013: Part 1 of 2

Even though I thought my self-confidence couldn't withstand dating, I took Kyle's advice, joined the matching service he recommended, and gave it a go. I approached my dating experiment with the following boundaries: 1) no one night stands/sex on the first date; 2) men who refer to sex before we meet will never met me; 3) if men say they want to see me again, let them come to me; 4) (thanks to Andy) if men say they will get back to me by a certain day about seeing me on a specific day and they don't, I'll have made other plans; and 5) (thanks to Andy) stick up for myself if men don't keep their word.

I joined the matching service at 6:30am on Thursday, August, 1. By 10am, I was texting with 7 men. By the end of the next day, I matched with 24 men. I stopped matching and actively communicated with 13 of these men. Pink Tie Adam asked why I was using the service: to meet men with potential for dating. Pink Tie Adam kindly enlightened me that people use this service for hooking-up. Sigh. Really? If I want to hook-up I sure as hell don't need a damn matching service. All I have to do is go out. I have a vagina. What more do I need to get hook-ups? Fuck. I added another boundary: no hook-ups. On Saturday, I added "Disinterested in hook-ups" in my tagline. Maybe one night stands/sex on the first date and hook-ups are one in the same, but not necessarily. Can't hurt to cover all sex-related bases, right? I didn't know if any of these potential dates would turn into anything, so I didn't bother setting a boundary for when I would have sex.

I had my first date on Thursday, August 1 with Daniel. Mid-30s. Turkish. Good looking. He was respectful and suggested we meet for dinner that night. I craved Thai food anyway, so we met at my favorite Thai restaurant. He offered to pick me up, but I declined. The conversation was easy and interesting, and lasted about 2 hours. We laughed a lot. He paid. When we parted ways, he asked if he could see me the following week. I didn't feel any connection but agreed to meet him. You never know, right? First dates can be awkward. Well, it didn't matter because I didn't hear from him last week, and I didn't contact him. See Boundary 3. When I got home, I talked with Dave for an hour. Dave and I planned to meet on Monday night for dinner.

On Friday night, I had a date with Ethan and my good friend Bun Bun, so no dates with strangers. We had Chinese food, then ended our night at Molly Moon's where a high school dance troupe performed sexy dance routines to hip hop tunes. It was awesome!

On Saturday night, I met Sameer. Mid-20s. Indian. Good looking. Nice smelling. We originally planned to meet downtown at 8, then he pushed it back to 8:30. I arrived at 8:15 and Sameer hadn't arrived by 8:40. New boundary: if a man is more than 15 minutes late and I don't hear from him, abort the mission. My nephew was in town, so I was meeting up with him and his friends at a club afterwards anyway. But Nephew said to bring Sameer along if it went well. Sameer and I talked for about 30 minutes, long enough to finish our respective cocktails. The conversation was interesting, but there was no connection. We split the check and parted ways. I met Nephew and his friends at a club. I violated Boundary 1 with Mark, one of my nephew's friends. As Nephew put it: I bagged a 27 year old. Mark had mad oral skills and I was helpless against his tricks. Seriously. Andy didn't go down on me (and I'm sure he would have been amazing too), so the last person to go down on me was the Egyptian and that was 1.5 years ago. And Mark wasn't part of my official dating experiment so I bent the rules a bit.

On Sunday, I recovered from Saturday. Three of my nephew's friends came home with me. I only had sex with Mark, but in retrospect wouldn't it have been awesome to have an orgy with three young men? Sigh. Their stamina... Wow! Two of them fell asleep in the living room, and Mark and I did "cardio" until 5am. We dozed on and off, did more cardio around 10:30am, and then dozed on and off until about 1:30pm. Mark left around 3pm. What a lazy and enjoyable day. I'd like to see Mark again. Mark friended me on FB on Friday and I had two separate dreams about him that night. I have a little crush on him. Hey, he's legal. Yeah, I know...the age difference; not realistic or practical.

On Monday, Dave called me when he said he would (scored points) and we agreed to meet at my place. Dave is 41; half Mexican, half white. We had a wonderful and lively conversation over good Mexican food. He touched my leg a few times, but I didn't know what that meant so I let it slide. We ate crickets (salty!) and chased them with jalapeno margaritas. I offered to pay for my portion, but he picked up most of the check (not sure about offering to pay - I like it when men pay for the first few dates). We walked around a park and then he made his move while we were looking at the stars. It was a nice feeling to be kissed, by I have to say that my nephew's friends are far better kissers and they're half Dave's age. But it was still nice, although I had to continually reign in Dave's wandering hands as they traveled over my ass and sides. We held hands and walked to his car. At the end of the evening, he asked if he could see me later that week. I didn't feel any connection, but why not? Again, you never know. I suggested Friday night (my only free night) and he said he'd let me know the next day. We hugged in the car and he did the quintessential and gratuitous boob rub as he moved his arm across me. Really? Sigh.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had dates with Ethan. What a relief to go out with someone I knew and was comfortable with. It was a reprieve from my dating experiment.

On Thursday morning, I was supposed to met Doug for coffee near my work. He lives in Tacoma and works in Seattle, so we tried to organize our meeting around our work schedules. We originally planned to meet at 9:00, then he pushed it back to 9:30, then he asked if he'd lose huge points if he was running late. Yes. I suggested that he contact me when he arrived at our meeting spot, but when I didn't hear from him by 9:40, I suggested we reschedule. He asked if we could meet the following morning. I explained that I'd rearranged my work schedule once to meet with him and that I wasn't inclined to rearrange my work schedule the following day, especially because I was having lunch with the girls and wouldn't cancel with them so I could take an early lunch to meet with him. Doug apologized and groveled enough, then asked if he could meet me that night but I had plans with Tom, so we agreed to meet at 9:30am on Friday.

I didn't hear from Dave on Tuesday. I didn't contact him (Boundary 3), but he contacted me on Thursday evening to see if we were hanging out the next night. I hesitated with Boundary 4, but then I remembered Andy. I explained to Dave that because I didn't hear from him, I wasn't sure if we were hanging out the next night (passive me!). Then Dave said he'd been busy and that he'd likely be working in Tacoma on Friday and would let me know in the morning. Fuck that. The word "busy" accelerated my speed while driving along Bitch Road and I was in no mood to slow down. I said more assertively that because I didn't hear from him on Tuesday like he said that I made other plans for Friday night. He didn't need to know my plans consisted of lounging around at home by myself. But I was so proud of myself for maintaining Boundary 4! Wooo hoooo! I don't want to be involved with a man who's "too busy" to contact me when he says he will. With all the technology at our disposal "too busy" is not a good excuse. It's a lame guy excuse. Or am I being to harsh? Maybe a little bit of both.

To be continued...

Self-Confidence and Happiness Project

I hired Kyle (my dating coach) a few weeks ago. We had our third meeting 1.5 weeks ago. Rather than use him as a "dating" coach per se, I'm using our coaching sessions to facilitate my Self-Confidence and Happiness Project (SC&HP). Even though I know what to do to increase my self-confidence and happiness, being accountable to another person helps. Kyle's job is to help keep me set reasonable goals and keep me accountable while I'm working towards my goals. My reasoning is that if I increase my happiness, my self-confidence will increase too. And the more self-confident I become, the happier I'll become. And thus ensues a feedback loop of self-confidence and happiness that will enable me to better able navigate the potentially rough and stormy waters of dating when the time comes.

After our second meeting, my SC&HP goals included the following:
1) Journaling - but I'm limiting it primarily to positive things, gratitude, and my experience with this project
2) Meditation - at least 10 to 15 minutes a day
3) Dressing nice - at least 3 days a week
4) Meal planning and preparation on Sundays for the upcoming week
5) Creating a list of fun things I enjoy doing
6) Doing a least 1 fun thing a week
7) Maintaining my current exercise regime

I started my SC&HP on Wednesday, July 18, 2013. I meditate every morning before I get out of bed. As of last week, I've been doing guided meditation for weight reduction. If I'm going to mediate, it may as well be with an additional purpose, eh? Yay me! Because I feel so good about myself when I dress nice, I upped the ante and now dress nice each weekday, and I'm even dressing nice on weekends if I leave the house. In addition, I've been styling my hair and wearing make-up to work even though I go to the gym every day at lunch. Good hair days used to be an excuse to avoid the gym so I stopped styling my hair and wearing make-up to work so I'd be more likely to go the gym, but I don't need that trick anymore because my gym routine has been habit for the past 7 months. Yay me! And while I've maintained my current exercise regime, I upped the ante again and hired a personal trainer with whom I started working last week. Yay me! I did well with meal planning and preparation the first two weeks, but threw myself off track after a night of debauchery with my nephew and his friends three weekends ago and again last weekend. Those Sundays were spent recovering from heaving drinking. (And so much for my oath of no more one-night stands. I bagged a 22 year old three weekends ago and a 27 year old last weekend. Hey, they're legal.) And I was house/pet-sitting last week and will be house/pet-sitting next week so meal planning and preparation is challenging for me when I'm not at home but I will try to make is less challenging today by preparing meals before I head to my next pet-sitting location tonight. But, overall, my SC&HP project has been successful.

About two weeks ago, I perceived that Andy left me hanging. Again. He didn't see it that way though, but my perception was the one that mattered to me. We wanted to see a horror movie exhibit together so I gave him some dates I was available. On Wednesday, he told me he'd check into the dates and let me know. One of the options was that coming Monday or Tuesday, and some weekend dates. But I didn't hear from him by Monday, and I was pissed. After the last time he left me hanging, this was a particularly egregious offense to me. His excuse for not getting back to me? He went on a last minute camping trip at the weekend and he didn't have reception at the site. Boo fucking hoo. I told him his excuse was lame, and that he could have let me know before he left town, but he chose to leave me hanging again. Lame. Lame. Lame. I like Andy a lot. I have a connection with him that I haven't experienced with any other man. But while I love his personality, I dislike the flaky and disrespectful behavior he displayed with me. Personality only opens doors. Character keeps them open. I told him that too, along with some other things. I'm pretty easy going, and it's a good characteristic to have so long as I'm being treated with respect. I refuse to be treated with disrespect. And I have to demand respect from men if they're too lame to give it willingly.

By the time my conversation with Andy was over, I felt empowered for standing up for myself but was feeling overly pissed because I let myself feel all my anger for the several times Andy left me hanging, how he lied about why he broke up with his girlfriend, and at myself for my kind, compassionate, loving, forgiving, and trusting nature that allowed me to overlook some of Andy's character flaws. Fortunately, I was on my way to the gym. Because of an issue with my right knee, I hadn't kickboxed in over a year. But I met with my personal trainer the week before and he showed me the location of the heavy bags, so I was excited to slowly incorporate kickboxing back into my exercise regime. I planned on sparring with the bag that day anyway, so I brought my bag gloves and wrist wraps but given my current state I couldn't wait work with the bag. I peeled off my dress with a vengeance and pulled on my gym clothes. But I encountered one minor problem: I forgot my gym pants. Pent up anger coursed through my veins, and I couldn't work out because I didn't have gym pants?! What the fuck?! Damn it. But did I let that stop me from kickboxing? Fuck no. I pulled back on my dress, wrapped my wrists, pulled on my bag gloves, stomped through the dressing room, up the stairs, and into the room with the heavy bags. Then I unleashed my fury on the heavy bags.

After 30 minutes of going all out on the heavy bags, my anger subsided. I felt some pain in my feet and legs while I was kicking, but  those pains were normal and I kept going. I felt fantastic when I left the gym. But by the end of the day, my feet and shins were swollen. I couldn't bear any weight on my left foot and my right foot didn't fare much better. A shuttle service drove me within 25 yards of a bus stop. I literally hobbled like a zombie. When I sat down, I was so happy to be off my feet, which were now burning, stinging, and throbbing. While I was on the bus, I called various drug stores for crutches and located a pair at the drug store by my home. My walk from the bus stop to my car at the park and ride was excruciating and nauseating. By the time I sat in the driver's seat of my car, I was about ready to pass out. I'm pretty tough and don't usually cry at physical pain, but an onslaught of emotion washed over me and I broke down sobbing. I called Ethan; between sobs, I asked him to get the crutches for me. He agreed. I drove home, hopped on my right foot to the main door, then crawled up three flights of stairs and down the hallway to my front door. A couple neighbors were in the hallway. I explained "I'm not drunk...I just sprained both my feet." One neighbor gave me an ice pack and the other took my keys and opened my door. I'd never been happier to be inside my home. I crawled to the sofa, elevated my feet, and waited for Ethan, who kindly tended to my needs that night.

Kyle and I met two days later. The last time we met, I was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt (I went camping directly after our meeting, so I wore comfy camping clothes) so I promised Kyle that I'd dress nice for our next meeting. Well, I was adorned in a cute sundress and sweater but my accessories consisted of ace bandages wrapped around both of my feet and crutches. I explained what had transpired since our last meeting. Kyle was pleased with my progress, and especially about my telling Andy off. "Doesn't it feel empowering?" he asked. "Yes, it certainly does!" I wholeheartedly agreed. Kyle had me color in a "wheel of balance" which is basically a pie with 8 wedges and each wedge represents one sphere of a person's life (i.e., career, romance and intimacy, family and friends, health, money, physical environment, fun and recreation, spiritual alignment) rated on a scale of 1 to 10. My romance sphere lacked the most, followed by career. My other spheres were a 7 or above. Kyle asked me to pick a sphere I wanted to improve. I don't want to work on career until I graduate, so I chose romance. We made short list of key things I'm looking for in a relationship. And then he suggested I start dating with the help of the internet. Whoa Nellie! Start dating?! "Kyle, I don't know if my self-confidence can withstand it" I confessed honestly. "You won't know unless you try and I think you're ready" he retorted. Gulp. The next morning, I joined the site he suggested, threw myself to the wolves, and thus ensued my dating experiment: 10 guys in 9 days...