Lessons I Learned from Dating

Overall, I learned three important lessons from my dating experiments. One, being self-confident and happy is crucial. Two, setting and maintaining boundaries is just as crucial and puts me in control. If I chose to bend my boundaries, I still have control without being a doormat. Three, the behavior of men usually has nothing to do with me; I stopped accepting blame when I had no evidence that I did anything wrong so long as I maintained my boundaries. This seems contrary to Max's advice that men will treat you how you allow them to treat you, but the difference is subtle as I still believe Max's advice but that's part of setting boundaries. However, I dislike it when people sum up men's seemingly bad behavior as "he's just not that into you." "If he was into you, he'd call you." "If he was into you, he'd (insert other action)." Once in a while, sure. But all the time? No. That the Egyptian hasn't told his family about me has nothing to do with me. I used to think if he loved me enough, he would tell them about me so that we could be together like we want. He called of his arranged marriage because he loves me, so surely he could tell his parents about me. But, no; and it has absolutely nothing to do with me; it's his situation, his choices, his limitations. It affects me, but it's not about me. A hard lesson learned. That a Croatian man I dated in Summer 2011 who no called-no showed for our third date and then dropped off the face of earth for two months also had nothing to do with me; we got together two months later so he could explain what was going on with him at the time so I would know it had nothing to do with me - quite the opposite, he was enamored with me and was scared to become attached knowing he'd be moving away in a couple of months. Had I known that two months prior, I could have saved my brain a month of wondering what I'd done wrong. But it's not about me, or that I did anything wrong. It's about them. Maybe these are the rare cases, but it provides some evidence that men pull away for more reasons than "he's just not that into you." No connection? Understandable - I didn't feel a connection to any of the men I dated in this experiment but that's not that same as "he's just not that into you." Bad timing? Perhaps. The Universe has other plans? God has other plans? It's not meant to be? Who knows. It's too much for me to contemplate, and, believe me, I have so I know. My ravens kept me entertained last summer. I bought an antique bird cage and hung it by my bed so that I could banish my ravens there at night so I could get some sleep.

Breaking things off with the Egyptian followed by the spark I felt with Andy and my difficulty navigating the dating world pushed me to work on my self-confidence and happiness. I contacted Andy after I finished my dating experiment to thank him for his part in my evolution. My self-confidence, self-worth, and self-respect have never been higher; it was hard won and well deserved. Until last weekend, it had been a year since I saw Andy. We'd been trying to connect since before Christmas, but he keeps himself busy and distracted (read: he's flakey), but I have my own busy life too. I know Andy really likes me, adores me, thinks I'm an interesting person, and a lovely woman who likes to be a wee bit evil. And we rock it in the sack. But I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he's afraid to get attached to me; that's what I sense. My ravens (negative thoughts) have other ideas, of course, but I tune them out these days to preserve my energy. It felt good to be in Andy's arms again. I missed him, but I didn't miss his flakey behavior. If Andy was part of my dating experiment last summer, I would have told him to fuck off for good. I'm on the verge of telling him to fuck off again, but I'm trying a different approach this year because the approach I used last year didn't work. When it comes to Andy, I've bitten my tongue several times since mid-December because my lashing out does no one any good and just pushes the other person away. The only thing I can do is change is my reaction to his behavior by approaching it from a factual aspect rather than an emotional one, continue to believe in myself, and have faith everything will work out for the best of all involved. If and when I've had enough of his flakey behavior - and that could be  as soon as next week - I'll send him on his way again. But my intuition senses it's in my best interest to keep Andy in my life for now - perhaps as a real test of my self-confidence, because there's a lesson I or he needs to learn (or I need to relearn...sigh), or maybe so I keep myself busy and distracted with my dissertation.

I sometimes wonder if my PhD work serves as a distraction from my romantic life. It came in handy when I was going through my divorce; had a long distance relationship with a man in London; the aftermath of finding out about the Egyptian's arranged marriage, his return to Egypt, my dating experiences between his visits, his return here, his return to Egypt again, calling off his arranged marriage, my calling things off anyway, and my subsequent surrender to our connection; dealing with Andy last year; throughout my dating experiences last year; the aftermath of my foursome earlier this year; through my dating experiences this year, including meeting another soul connection from Portugal; and now dealing with Andy again this year. I think I have a soul connection with Andy too. And that I met these three men while I'm working on my PhD in Seattle is interesting and perplexing to contemplate. I truly believe I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, romantically, spiritually, and intellectually.

In any case, it's my time to continue to do some inner work so I'm better prepared to welcome the next Mr. Right into my life. As my astrologer and metaphysical counselor puts it, I'm still in the process of purging who I'm not so I can become who I am, so I'm not quite ready for him yet. I'm a caterpillar of sorts who's evolving into a butterfly. I'm not fully transformed yet, as my re-connection with Andy illustrates to me, but I'm close. The Egyptian and Andy are both impressed with my progress, empowered nature, high levels of self-confidence, and my determination to finish my PhD this year. Perhaps these men are my mirrors who reflect myself back to me - from their very different lenses - and remind me how far I've come since they entered my life. I use my interactions with them to gauge my progress. Sure, it's easy to tell a guy to fuck off when there's no connection but it's more difficult to do so when there is a connection, and maybe I don't need to tell anyone to fuck off. Maybe I just need to enforce my boundaries. The Egyptian knows and respects them now. Maybe there's hope for Andy once he learns my boundaries. I've had push-pull relationships with both of them and in both instances by intuition tells me to keep these men around; however, my ravens would have me slam the door on both of their faces and run the other way, which I've done with both of them already but they're back for more. I've accepted the limitations of my relationship with the Egyptian - a love like ours never dies and we're doing the best we can - but we'll see how I fare with my relationship with Andy. Perhaps how I handle the situation with Andy will help me earn my butterfly wings. How I dealt with the aftermath of my foursome certainly earned me a healthy, vibrant caterpillar body.

Dating Experiments Summer 2013: Part 2

On Thursday night, I met Tom at a museum for drinks. We had a nice chat but time seemed to drag. We had similar taste in movies and music, but no connection and he smoked. I want to date a non-smoker. The movie was great though, then he walked me to the bus and waited with me until it arrived. He inquired about my schedule for the weekend and next week. My scheduled was packed. We parted ways.

On Friday morning, Doug met me at a coffee shop by my work. He apologized for the scheduling hassle the day before. He was pretty hot for an old dude with kids. Old dude...he was younger than me. Construction worker type. I engaged in and enjoyed our conversation. He picked my brain about my research on gangs and sex offenders, we chatted about music from our youth, etc., but I didn't feel any connection. He suggested I visit him in Tacoma, but I'm not interested in commuting for dates. Humm. Interesting, because that wouldn't have dissuaded me in the past. At the end of our date, he asked me to drag a pig, text the image to him, and then Google "draw a pig." When did "Google" become synonymous for "do a search on the internet?" Anyway, I did as he asked. I recommend you do it too. Draw a pig. Then Google "draw a pig." It's fun! Doug was concerned about the length of my pig's tail. You'll see why. But draw it first, cheater.

On Friday night, Adam Number Two text messaged me a lot then suggested we get together that night. We'd been texting for over a week, and I was tired of having a texting penpal. He didn't have any plans and was looking for something to do. Why not? What time and where? He wasn't sure but would let me know by 10pm when he figured out what he wanted to do. I found myself speeding along Bitch Road again. I explained that "I don't wait around for men," wished him a good night, and requested he not contact me again. We had wonderful thunder storms that night, during which I had sex dreams of Mark (Nephew's 27 year old friend who I fucked the weekend before). Adam Pink Tie contacted me again and wanted to hook up; I asked him to not contact me again. Then there was Brain, the shy guy who texted with me then faded away, only to text me again a week later with the same initial pick up line; I reminded him that we communicated before and I wasn't interested in communicating with him again. There were other men with whom I communicated but never met, but I'm finishing this post in May 2014, too late after the events. Perhaps that I don't remember anything glaring is a good thing. And that concluded the first phase of my dating experiments from August 1 to August 9, 2013. An interesting summer indeed. On Saturday I was glad to be done with this part of my experiment. I journaled about these dates, worked on my dissertation, then hung out with Ethan. We watched a movie and he gave my breasts a massage. Man, what was up with this dude? Was he hitting on me? Was I clueless? Were we both clueless?

I joined another dating site and had another round of dating experiments a few weeks later from men I met on both sites. I met Mark (see Texting While Fingering: First Dates from Hell), Kraig, Pete, Mon, and another Tom. My date with Mark was horrid but funny; I didn't want to see him ever again. He contacted me few weeks later wanting to get together. No. Kraig was nice but no connection. He also contacted me again. No thanks. Pete was nice too but, again, no connection. He recontacted me too, but I declined. After my first date with Mon, he declared me his girlfriend and wanted to have unprotected sex so we could start making babies. Did he even like me? Or was he that desperate? I know I'm quite the catch but how could he know with such certainty that I was the one for him? We had three dates even though I knew after the second date that he wasn't for me. Then there was the other Tom. We took dancing lessons together but I only lasted three lessons because of my knees. I didn't feel any connection to him either, but I enjoyed taking dance lessons and liked it that neither of us went into it with any expectations. You don't need a romantic connection to anyone to take dance lessons. Somewhere between Mon and the other Tom, Ethan became my boyfriend. And with these dating experiences, it's no wonder I ran into Ethan's arms when the opportunity presented itself that September.

Ethan and I had been acting like boyfriend and girlfriend for several months, so why not add in the sex? Ethan gave me the best orgasms ever but our romantic relationship was short-lived. When Mon contacted me for another date and I told him I acquired a boyfriend in the interim, he was pissed. He thought I cheated on him and didn't want to hear anything I had to say. All he heard was that I left him for Ethan, which was not true. Mon and I had one date. ONE DATE! Just because he expressed his desire to have me as a girlfriend didn't make it so. For several days he begged me to see him and I refused. Eventually, I blocked his number so he couldn't contact me. Then I flew home, hoping to visit my grandma before she passed away. She died before I arrived, but it was great to see my mom and be supportive to her. On my flight home, about an hour before my flight departed, I upgraded to first class so I'd have more room for my knees. My flight companion, Sanjay, was supposed to be on an early morning flight but wanted a later flight so he rearranged his travel plans that morning and booked a first class seat for a later flight because it was the only seat left. Had I requested an upgrade the day before, he would have gotten my coach ticket and I would have sat next to someone else. We believed we were destined to meet, and through our intense conversations he helped me realize that Ethan was not the one for me. I broke up with Ethan the next day. He has too many mental health issues and a bunch of baggage to unload and simply I didn't - and don't - have the energy for it. I felt like a yo-yo being bounced back and forth according to his whim and didn't want to deal with all his baggage which subsequently prompted me to toss some of my own baggage. And I'm a natural giver, he's a natural taker; that doesn't work for me anymore. Ethan and I are still good friends but I 86'd him completely for several months until my energy levels rejuvenated and I kicked some of my own baggage to the curb. We just started hanging out again within the past two months.

After I broke up with Ethan, I wondered how Mon was doing so I unblocked his number and contacted him. He wanted to take me to lunch that day. No. But I did see him a few weeks later, right before Thanksgiving. We went out for happy hour at some shitty bar near my home. Rather than catch up - I had knee surgery the week prior and was on crutches for our date - he spent the entire time chastising me for "dumping" him and for "all the time we could have spent together the past two months" if I hadn't "dumped" him. I tried to turn the conversation around, but he wouldn't engage. My gut told me to run the other way. When he dropped me off at home, he asked if I would date him exclusively. He wanted to see me at least twice a week, and I couldn't kiss anyone or have sex with anyone else. The man knew what he wanted. Too bad I wouldn't give it to him. There was no way in hell I would commit to him after these two dates and with a gut instinct to get the hell outta there. I liked it that he was interested in me - a nice boost to my ego - but was I interested in him? Not really. Just because he was attracted to me doesn't mean he's the right one for me. I saw him again on Christmas Eve, then I didn't hear from him again until about a month later demanding to know if I was seeing anyone else. None of his business, although he thought I was his property and that it was his business. Nope. I reminded him that we were not in a committed relationship, that I hadn't heard from him in over a month, and that I could do what I wanted, with whom I wanted, and when I wanted. He called me a slut. Interesting, since I didn't have sex with him. I didn't tell him that I was in the company of three men when he contacted me, and that I just had a foursome with them. It was none of his damn business. And I will never accept the label of slut. Men only call women sluts when they aren't having sex with her. Am I right? I told him to go fuck himself and blocked his number again. It remains blocked.

Tom and I have remained friends but he was over last weekend and tried to convince me to have sex with him because he can't touch his Arabic Muslim partner. I feel sorry for her, knowing her boyfriend is out carousing behind her back. Tom and I had sex in December - when he was single - and I didn't care to repeat it again because I'm not interested in him in that way and the sex was unsatisfying. I'm not sure how it became my problem that he cannot touch his partner - he knows the culture; he's Muslim too - but it felt great to tell him "No, Tom, I don't want to be that woman. If you're willing to ask me for sex, then perhaps it's best to reconsider your motivations for committing to her. You know the culture, and there's no touching before marriage and she's in the market for marriage not casual dating" (jack ass). I'm glad I didn't have sex with Tom because Andy came over that night. If I'm going to have sex with anyone, I want it to be with Andy. I said the same thing last year, didn't I?