Last year, in the wake of the Egyptian's departure, I joined Match.com to expand my mate-finding options. According to advertisements, 1 in 5 relationships begin via dating websites. (Note to self: 80% of relationships start offline.) As in meeting people in general, I heard that I'd have to mine various bits of coal in order to find my diamond. In the time I used Match.com to meet potential mates, I mined a lot of coal but didn't find my diamond. Not even a diamond in the rough. Perhaps I should have tried longer? I'll share some stories and you tell me. Here's one:
Jay was a real gem. I received the following email within a few hours of joining Match: "My name is [Jay] and I would love to know yours. Your profile is absolutely outstanding. You seem very much like the kind of fun lady I am looking for. Where in the southern CA did you come from? I was born in [redacted] but went to high school in [redacted]. If you asked me, and I realize that you didn't LOL, our profiles seem to resonate well with each other. I am curious to see if we would get along as well as I suspect. Naturally this is where you post your vote since it takes two to tango. : ) Not that I have ever tangoed before, but I would love to learn with a willing partner. So....would the lady care to dance? Cheers," [Jay].
Hummmm. Yes, my profile was absolutely outstanding. I couldn't agree more. Yes, I'm a fun lady. He's very perceptive. Or I was able to portray my funness (is that a word?) in my profile. Intrigued, I read his profile. He was right again: it was like we could have written each other's profiles. Why I decided to post my profile the day before I left for my 10-day trip to Oahu is still a mystery to me (oh yeah, I figured it would take a while before men saw and responded to my profile, newbie that I was) but Jay and I exchanged a couple of emails in the 18 hours before my flight. He wasted no time asking for my phone number. Was the man stalking the new postings? Apparently so. In the essence of saving more time, I gave it to him. He called and wanted to meet me that day because the wanted to "get [me] while [I was] still fresh" (code for new Match.com meat). Red flag? How long had this guy been on Match.com? Geeze. Mae was picking me up in a few hours to take me to the airport so I didn't have time to meet. Instead, Jay and I talked for nearly 3 hours while I picked up a package from UPS, and then prepared and packed for my trip. I enjoyed our conversation, but had a inkling that he was a bit too intense and serious. Not that "intense" and "serious" are bad things, but sometimes I feel drained after being around people who are both intense and serious. But, because I tend to look for the good in everyone, I disregarded my "too intense and too serious" judgement. Turns out he lived on Oahu for a few years so he gave me a list of places he thought I might like to visit. That was cool. On the way to the airport, I told Mae all what I knew about Jay, sans the too intense and too serious stuff since I disregarded it. Jay sounded potentially promising.
While I was on Oahu, Jay and I talked numerous times, and sometimes for several hours. He instructed me several times to be a "good girl." Uh, red flag? I hadn't even met this guy and he was already trying to regulate my behavior. I'll do what I damn well please until I'm a committed relationship with someone, thank you very much fossilized carbon man. He also suggested I stay away from the "bad" part of town; locals and tourists were afraid of the northwest part of the island due to some violent events that happened in the 1970s and 1980s. Me, afraid? Nope. I was intrigued. My travel book said the area was safe despite the bad press, so I went to that part of the island and had a marvelous time lounging on the uninhabited beaches. So what if I looked over my shoulder every now and again to make sure I was safe?
One night while I was driving from the North Shore back to Honolulu (I went to the North Shore a lot), he sounded very down so I inquired about it. Out came the "I get depressed because I'm not married and I don't have kids" spiel. That's a lot to lay on someone before you met them. Red flag? I appreciated his honesty. As a woman who's aging herself out of her childbearing years, I understood about his desire to have children but at least he had the ability to father children at virtually any age. His eggs weren't dying as we spoke, now were they? But did I say that? Hell no. I was new to dating, but didn't feel the need to drag down the conversation with my "dying eggs" and my "potential to birth only mutant children."
Although we did have some serious conversations, I tried to keep things on the light side by answering his previous-relationships questions honestly but very briefly. Divorced twice: abusive marriage followed by sexless marriage. Most recent lover will marry his cousin. Ex-boyfriend set fire to my car, etc. I shared these blips while laughing about my crazy luck with men. Then I lightened things up more by giving him my newly developed pre-dating quiz: 1) Do you have a problem with alcohol or drugs? No, but he took a lot of prescription pain meds for his back. A couple of his discs were crushed during his stint in the military. 2) Do you like Rush (the music group)? (The correct answer is "no"). Actually, he liked Rush but assured me that he wouldn't make me see them. Phew. I could not and would not withstand another assault by Geddy Lee on my vision and ears. 3) Do you belong to a culture or family that requires you to have an arranged marriage to your cousin (now expanded to non-relatives)? No. Excellent. We could continue talking.
Even though I tried to keep things light, he talked a lot about his childhood and how his mom "abandoned" him. Uh, another red flag? In his mom's defense, it seemed that she had a problem with drugs and, when he was 10 or 11, she left for three days to sort out her shit. 35+ years later, Jay was still discussing "abandonment issues" in therapy. That he was in therapy (three times a week) sort of frightened me, yet I felt like a hypocrite because I see my therapist once or twice a month, depending on what I'm working on at the time. Dude's got some issues if he's in therapy three times a week. Holy shit. But far be it for me to pass judgment. At least he was getting help, but I didn't think I wanted to get involved with someone who had so many issues. At some point, Jay told me that he'd been on Match.com since 2004 - seven years! Either there was something wrong with the women he'd been meeting, or there was something wrong with him. Red flag? Why didn't I run for the hills? Despite some of my misgivings, I had a date with him anyway. Always looking for the good. Sigh. I returned from Oahu on a Wednesday and we had our first date on Sunday.
He lived about 60 miles from Seattle, and, quite frankly, I didn't want to drive anywhere to meet anyone so he came to Seattle to meet me. Because we had talked so much, I felt somewhat comfortable with him picking me up at my place. (In the future, I didn't do this. Always meet first dates somewhere else.) At the last minute, Jay asked if he could bring his dog on our date. I thought "Whatever, dude, but I'm not having a threesome with you and your dog and your dog cannot come inside my place" but instead I said that I liked dogs, so it was okay with me. He had a black lab. I like black labs, or any colored labs for that matter.
Since we planned to go for a walk, I wore jeans, and blue blouse, and sneakers. When he approached my door, he was obviously pleased with my appearance by the smile that spread from ear to ear. Apparently a lot of women lie about their looks, post old photos, etc., but he said I looked better than my photos. He also looked like he was ready to take me right then and there. He greeted me with a warm hello hug, and a kiss on the cheek but he was ready for more. I tempered his advances by saying "It looks like you're ready to throw me on the bed and have your way with me, so we'd better go." I put on my jacket and we left. Date rape averted.
Jay was hungry so we stopped at a fish and chips place on the marina. I wasn't hungry so I watched him eat but stole a chip or two, and fed some to the birds. Then we walked along the beach at Discovery Park. Due to the injuries to his back, he had a handicapped placard so we scored beach-front parking. We walked along the beach and chatted, with his dog in toe. Dogs weren't allowed on the beach, but he didn't care and took him on the beach anyway. A rule breaker...promising? At one point, I stood on a log and looked at the Sound, then he hugged me and said "it feels like there's some finality in this." Some finality? Huh? "What do you mean?" I inquired. "Either this is it or you're the last person I'm ever going to care about." I smiled, hopped off the log, and thought "What the fuck? Either I'm really quite amazing and wonderful and he wants me badly, or this dude is really desperate." Despite my ego, perhaps the scales were tipped well towards his level of desperation. Another red flag? Was I blind? Apparently so.
After our walk, we ate Thai food at one on my favorite places. The man was a wuss on the spice factor. Couldn't even handle a 2. Pussy. Yeah, I judge sometimes. Jay was discharged from the military several years earlier due to his medical issues (crushed discs and all), apparently before he served any time in Thailand and acquired a taste for spicy food. Not only was he a spice wuss, he asked for more details about my first marriage [the abusive one, see The (First) Night I Almost Died]. I shared a couple of mild examples, then he stated it was my fault that my first husband was abusive towards me and that I must have done things to bring out my first husband's abusive behavior. What, we were in the stone ages? Or back in the days when a husband could not "rape" his wife merely because of their marital contract? Knowing the full history of my first marriage, I can say with a clear conscious that I did nothing to instigate his abusive behavior. He was insecure, jealous, controlling and had a problem with alcohol. I unintentionally condoned his abusive behavior by tolerating it for so long, but I did not instigate it other than occasionally trying to defend myself. I was mortified that Jay suggested the abuse I suffered by my first marriage was my fault. What a douche. Why was I still sitting at the dinner table with him? Oh yeah, that whole "looking for the good in everyone" thing. Man, that comes back to bite me in the ass a lot. I told Jay that I would not accept responsibility for my first ex-husband's bad behavior and changed the topic. If I'd been more with it, I could have asked him what he did that led his mother to abandon him, but that would have been mean.
After dinner, Jay took me home and I (stupidly) invited him up. His dog stayed in his truck. Poor doggy, but dogs are not allowed in my building. We chatted for a little bit more, then he kissed me. I had to admit that he was a good kisser. He took off his shirt (nice chest and arms, by the way) and asked me to rub his back. What, am I your nurse? To my own disgust, I rubbed his back for a while. As if I was obligated since he drove over an hour to meet me and paid for my dinner. Then he tried to disrobe me and shoved his face between my legs. What the fuck? Things went fast when you started dating in your 40s. Even so, I didn't appreciate his advances so I deflected the situation by saying I was tired and needed to go to bed because I had to get up early for work (which was true). Then he asked if he could stay the night, because it was late, he had a long drive ahead of him, and didn't want to fall asleep on the road. First date sleep overs? Ugh. I totally caved and said he could stay the night. Yep, I'm too damn nice. My first husband used to tell me all the time that I was "too damn nice" and damn it he was right! I suggested to Jay that he sleep on the sofa. He suggested he sleep in the bed. Sure, fine, but with clothes on. I could feel him stomping all over the doormat that I was already becoming during this first date.
If allowing myself to be a doormat wasn't enough, the fucking dude snored like a jackhammer and severely disrupted my sleep. I may have slept a total of 5 minutes the entire night. I wasn't comfortable with him sleeping there. I wasn't fearful, I just didn't want him there and I was mad at myself for letting him sleep in my bed even though we had our clothes on. And sleeping with my clothes on was uncomfortable too. When he'd wake up, he'd start touching me and I'd feign like I was asleep. At one point, I was so frustrated by his advances and my apparent inability to ask him to leave that I cried. Middle Eastern man had only been gone a few weeks and I was still sad about his departure, but knew I needed to start dating. Even so, I was conflicted and missed Middle Eastern man and Jay wasn't helping by being creepy.
The morning couldn't come soon enough. After I prepared myself, Jay offered to drop me off at work. Whatever. Fine. I worked at the UW Medical Center, so it wasn't like he would know exactly where I worked. And it beat taking the bus, right? And I learned more valuable information. As we approached the medical center, Jay informed me that his sperm was on ice there. A blank look came across my face. I blinked slowly. My breathing slowed. Then it hit me: what a connection! I worked in the medical center and he had frozen sperm there! We were like peas in a pod! Soul mates! We should have sent out the wedding invitations right then and there! He was receiving $80 a month in disability because of some military-related injury to his testicles that necessitated putting his sperm on ice because he was unable to shoot out live sperm. We'd be rich in our old age with this extra $80 a month. We'd save money on birth control until I entered menopause. And even better was that he really could father children at any age, even after he was dead! Um, note the sarcasm. It's unfortunate that his manhood was challenged because he couldn't shoot live ammo, but this was a lot of information to share on a first date. With this new information, I was exhausted. I wished him a good day, patted his dog on his head, stepped out of the truck, thanked him for the evening and for taking me to work, and walked to my office. Jay said he'd call me in the evening. Gee, I couldn't wait.
To be continued...
Jay was a real gem. I received the following email within a few hours of joining Match: "My name is [Jay] and I would love to know yours. Your profile is absolutely outstanding. You seem very much like the kind of fun lady I am looking for. Where in the southern CA did you come from? I was born in [redacted] but went to high school in [redacted]. If you asked me, and I realize that you didn't LOL, our profiles seem to resonate well with each other. I am curious to see if we would get along as well as I suspect. Naturally this is where you post your vote since it takes two to tango. : ) Not that I have ever tangoed before, but I would love to learn with a willing partner. So....would the lady care to dance? Cheers," [Jay].
Hummmm. Yes, my profile was absolutely outstanding. I couldn't agree more. Yes, I'm a fun lady. He's very perceptive. Or I was able to portray my funness (is that a word?) in my profile. Intrigued, I read his profile. He was right again: it was like we could have written each other's profiles. Why I decided to post my profile the day before I left for my 10-day trip to Oahu is still a mystery to me (oh yeah, I figured it would take a while before men saw and responded to my profile, newbie that I was) but Jay and I exchanged a couple of emails in the 18 hours before my flight. He wasted no time asking for my phone number. Was the man stalking the new postings? Apparently so. In the essence of saving more time, I gave it to him. He called and wanted to meet me that day because the wanted to "get [me] while [I was] still fresh" (code for new Match.com meat). Red flag? How long had this guy been on Match.com? Geeze. Mae was picking me up in a few hours to take me to the airport so I didn't have time to meet. Instead, Jay and I talked for nearly 3 hours while I picked up a package from UPS, and then prepared and packed for my trip. I enjoyed our conversation, but had a inkling that he was a bit too intense and serious. Not that "intense" and "serious" are bad things, but sometimes I feel drained after being around people who are both intense and serious. But, because I tend to look for the good in everyone, I disregarded my "too intense and too serious" judgement. Turns out he lived on Oahu for a few years so he gave me a list of places he thought I might like to visit. That was cool. On the way to the airport, I told Mae all what I knew about Jay, sans the too intense and too serious stuff since I disregarded it. Jay sounded potentially promising.
While I was on Oahu, Jay and I talked numerous times, and sometimes for several hours. He instructed me several times to be a "good girl." Uh, red flag? I hadn't even met this guy and he was already trying to regulate my behavior. I'll do what I damn well please until I'm a committed relationship with someone, thank you very much fossilized carbon man. He also suggested I stay away from the "bad" part of town; locals and tourists were afraid of the northwest part of the island due to some violent events that happened in the 1970s and 1980s. Me, afraid? Nope. I was intrigued. My travel book said the area was safe despite the bad press, so I went to that part of the island and had a marvelous time lounging on the uninhabited beaches. So what if I looked over my shoulder every now and again to make sure I was safe?
One night while I was driving from the North Shore back to Honolulu (I went to the North Shore a lot), he sounded very down so I inquired about it. Out came the "I get depressed because I'm not married and I don't have kids" spiel. That's a lot to lay on someone before you met them. Red flag? I appreciated his honesty. As a woman who's aging herself out of her childbearing years, I understood about his desire to have children but at least he had the ability to father children at virtually any age. His eggs weren't dying as we spoke, now were they? But did I say that? Hell no. I was new to dating, but didn't feel the need to drag down the conversation with my "dying eggs" and my "potential to birth only mutant children."
Although we did have some serious conversations, I tried to keep things on the light side by answering his previous-relationships questions honestly but very briefly. Divorced twice: abusive marriage followed by sexless marriage. Most recent lover will marry his cousin. Ex-boyfriend set fire to my car, etc. I shared these blips while laughing about my crazy luck with men. Then I lightened things up more by giving him my newly developed pre-dating quiz: 1) Do you have a problem with alcohol or drugs? No, but he took a lot of prescription pain meds for his back. A couple of his discs were crushed during his stint in the military. 2) Do you like Rush (the music group)? (The correct answer is "no"). Actually, he liked Rush but assured me that he wouldn't make me see them. Phew. I could not and would not withstand another assault by Geddy Lee on my vision and ears. 3) Do you belong to a culture or family that requires you to have an arranged marriage to your cousin (now expanded to non-relatives)? No. Excellent. We could continue talking.
Even though I tried to keep things light, he talked a lot about his childhood and how his mom "abandoned" him. Uh, another red flag? In his mom's defense, it seemed that she had a problem with drugs and, when he was 10 or 11, she left for three days to sort out her shit. 35+ years later, Jay was still discussing "abandonment issues" in therapy. That he was in therapy (three times a week) sort of frightened me, yet I felt like a hypocrite because I see my therapist once or twice a month, depending on what I'm working on at the time. Dude's got some issues if he's in therapy three times a week. Holy shit. But far be it for me to pass judgment. At least he was getting help, but I didn't think I wanted to get involved with someone who had so many issues. At some point, Jay told me that he'd been on Match.com since 2004 - seven years! Either there was something wrong with the women he'd been meeting, or there was something wrong with him. Red flag? Why didn't I run for the hills? Despite some of my misgivings, I had a date with him anyway. Always looking for the good. Sigh. I returned from Oahu on a Wednesday and we had our first date on Sunday.
He lived about 60 miles from Seattle, and, quite frankly, I didn't want to drive anywhere to meet anyone so he came to Seattle to meet me. Because we had talked so much, I felt somewhat comfortable with him picking me up at my place. (In the future, I didn't do this. Always meet first dates somewhere else.) At the last minute, Jay asked if he could bring his dog on our date. I thought "Whatever, dude, but I'm not having a threesome with you and your dog and your dog cannot come inside my place" but instead I said that I liked dogs, so it was okay with me. He had a black lab. I like black labs, or any colored labs for that matter.
Since we planned to go for a walk, I wore jeans, and blue blouse, and sneakers. When he approached my door, he was obviously pleased with my appearance by the smile that spread from ear to ear. Apparently a lot of women lie about their looks, post old photos, etc., but he said I looked better than my photos. He also looked like he was ready to take me right then and there. He greeted me with a warm hello hug, and a kiss on the cheek but he was ready for more. I tempered his advances by saying "It looks like you're ready to throw me on the bed and have your way with me, so we'd better go." I put on my jacket and we left. Date rape averted.
Jay was hungry so we stopped at a fish and chips place on the marina. I wasn't hungry so I watched him eat but stole a chip or two, and fed some to the birds. Then we walked along the beach at Discovery Park. Due to the injuries to his back, he had a handicapped placard so we scored beach-front parking. We walked along the beach and chatted, with his dog in toe. Dogs weren't allowed on the beach, but he didn't care and took him on the beach anyway. A rule breaker...promising? At one point, I stood on a log and looked at the Sound, then he hugged me and said "it feels like there's some finality in this." Some finality? Huh? "What do you mean?" I inquired. "Either this is it or you're the last person I'm ever going to care about." I smiled, hopped off the log, and thought "What the fuck? Either I'm really quite amazing and wonderful and he wants me badly, or this dude is really desperate." Despite my ego, perhaps the scales were tipped well towards his level of desperation. Another red flag? Was I blind? Apparently so.
After our walk, we ate Thai food at one on my favorite places. The man was a wuss on the spice factor. Couldn't even handle a 2. Pussy. Yeah, I judge sometimes. Jay was discharged from the military several years earlier due to his medical issues (crushed discs and all), apparently before he served any time in Thailand and acquired a taste for spicy food. Not only was he a spice wuss, he asked for more details about my first marriage [the abusive one, see The (First) Night I Almost Died]. I shared a couple of mild examples, then he stated it was my fault that my first husband was abusive towards me and that I must have done things to bring out my first husband's abusive behavior. What, we were in the stone ages? Or back in the days when a husband could not "rape" his wife merely because of their marital contract? Knowing the full history of my first marriage, I can say with a clear conscious that I did nothing to instigate his abusive behavior. He was insecure, jealous, controlling and had a problem with alcohol. I unintentionally condoned his abusive behavior by tolerating it for so long, but I did not instigate it other than occasionally trying to defend myself. I was mortified that Jay suggested the abuse I suffered by my first marriage was my fault. What a douche. Why was I still sitting at the dinner table with him? Oh yeah, that whole "looking for the good in everyone" thing. Man, that comes back to bite me in the ass a lot. I told Jay that I would not accept responsibility for my first ex-husband's bad behavior and changed the topic. If I'd been more with it, I could have asked him what he did that led his mother to abandon him, but that would have been mean.
After dinner, Jay took me home and I (stupidly) invited him up. His dog stayed in his truck. Poor doggy, but dogs are not allowed in my building. We chatted for a little bit more, then he kissed me. I had to admit that he was a good kisser. He took off his shirt (nice chest and arms, by the way) and asked me to rub his back. What, am I your nurse? To my own disgust, I rubbed his back for a while. As if I was obligated since he drove over an hour to meet me and paid for my dinner. Then he tried to disrobe me and shoved his face between my legs. What the fuck? Things went fast when you started dating in your 40s. Even so, I didn't appreciate his advances so I deflected the situation by saying I was tired and needed to go to bed because I had to get up early for work (which was true). Then he asked if he could stay the night, because it was late, he had a long drive ahead of him, and didn't want to fall asleep on the road. First date sleep overs? Ugh. I totally caved and said he could stay the night. Yep, I'm too damn nice. My first husband used to tell me all the time that I was "too damn nice" and damn it he was right! I suggested to Jay that he sleep on the sofa. He suggested he sleep in the bed. Sure, fine, but with clothes on. I could feel him stomping all over the doormat that I was already becoming during this first date.
If allowing myself to be a doormat wasn't enough, the fucking dude snored like a jackhammer and severely disrupted my sleep. I may have slept a total of 5 minutes the entire night. I wasn't comfortable with him sleeping there. I wasn't fearful, I just didn't want him there and I was mad at myself for letting him sleep in my bed even though we had our clothes on. And sleeping with my clothes on was uncomfortable too. When he'd wake up, he'd start touching me and I'd feign like I was asleep. At one point, I was so frustrated by his advances and my apparent inability to ask him to leave that I cried. Middle Eastern man had only been gone a few weeks and I was still sad about his departure, but knew I needed to start dating. Even so, I was conflicted and missed Middle Eastern man and Jay wasn't helping by being creepy.
The morning couldn't come soon enough. After I prepared myself, Jay offered to drop me off at work. Whatever. Fine. I worked at the UW Medical Center, so it wasn't like he would know exactly where I worked. And it beat taking the bus, right? And I learned more valuable information. As we approached the medical center, Jay informed me that his sperm was on ice there. A blank look came across my face. I blinked slowly. My breathing slowed. Then it hit me: what a connection! I worked in the medical center and he had frozen sperm there! We were like peas in a pod! Soul mates! We should have sent out the wedding invitations right then and there! He was receiving $80 a month in disability because of some military-related injury to his testicles that necessitated putting his sperm on ice because he was unable to shoot out live sperm. We'd be rich in our old age with this extra $80 a month. We'd save money on birth control until I entered menopause. And even better was that he really could father children at any age, even after he was dead! Um, note the sarcasm. It's unfortunate that his manhood was challenged because he couldn't shoot live ammo, but this was a lot of information to share on a first date. With this new information, I was exhausted. I wished him a good day, patted his dog on his head, stepped out of the truck, thanked him for the evening and for taking me to work, and walked to my office. Jay said he'd call me in the evening. Gee, I couldn't wait.
To be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment