Ethan and I have been hanging for about 5 months, and officially dating (sans commitment) for about 1.5 months. Andy and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months, not including our first encounter which doesn't count in the time frame because he had a girlfriend at the time and I thought it was a one-night stand. I'm not sure if Andy and I are dating; maybe we're just friends with benefits? But when we go out he pays for me so it seems like we're dating. But when I go to dinner with my dentist / friend he pays for me too, and we're not dating. Right now, everything is uncertain but with Andy in the mix I don't want to commit to exclusively dating Ethan (Ethan and I had our dating conversation about 1.5 weeks after my second encounter with Andy), and I'm guessing Ethan doesn't want a committed relationship either given his mental health issues. And because Ethan and I haven't crossed any physical boundaries (not even kissing), I view him as a friend rather than a potential lover - I've been in the "friend zone" too long. This is all so weird for me. I can do one-night stands. I can do committed relationships. But anything in between is weird. I've gone from committed relationship to committed relationship (I was even committed to the Egyptian even though he was supposed to marry his cousin, because I'm more loyal than a damn dog when I'm in love), and now I'm seeing three men without commitment. Yes, three.
Andy canceled one of our Saturday night dates (for good reason but he groveled and apologized sufficiently, and I saw him the following Friday night so he's not on my shit list) so I used that time to work on my dissertation. It worked out well because I had a meeting with my advisor a few days later and I needed to work on my dissertation as much as I could anyway. Even so, my thoughts were running amok that night and I got antsy. I'd been inside all day and, more to the point, I was disappointed that I wasn't spending my evening with Andy. My little feelings were hurt. :( So I ventured out around 9:30 to drive to Alki, crank up the music, and sing to my heart's content - my favorite escapist thing to do when I get antsy. My car was out of fuel, so I stopped at my favorite fuel station to fill her up. Expecting to remain in my car during my mini road trip and singing adventure, I wore my yoga pants, a t-shirt, a black hoodie, and my pink Crocs - the same Crocs I wore the night I met Andy. I was waiting to get my change from the attendant when a man struck up a conversation with me about my Crocs. I returned to my car. A few seconds later, there was a knock on my driver's side car window. I opened the door, and the man who asked me about my Crocs was standing there. He introduced himself as Bobby, and asked if he could take me to coffee sometime. Why not? Bobby took my number, then I was on my way to Alki. He sent me a text so I'd have his number, then we talked while I was on my way to Alki. I was taking a break anyway, so he met me in Alki. We sipped wine in a bar, and talked for about an hour. We walked along the beach, he gave me his coat (awww), and he kissed me. I didn't feel any desire stir within me. Oh well. It was windy and cold, so we went to my car and made out for a little bit. I didn't enjoy the way Bobby kissed me - it reminded me of another date about two years ago where I felt like I was being licked and drooled on by a dog, and his tongue felt pointy. I wished I was making out with Andy. Then Bobby read my palm - awesome! Apparently, I'll have a long life but a I'll have major medical issue when I'm 50 that I'll pass through successfully; I've suffered a lot in my life but am better for it (this is true); I'll have two healthy children (really? I'm 43 and my eggs are mutating and dying as I type this); and I'll have money because the man I end up with will have money. I had my palm read in Hawaii about 2 years ago, and she said the same things so it'll be interesting to see how my life unfolds. I'm not sure that I believe in this stuff, but it's fun to contemplate.
I explained to Bobby the circumstances that led to my meeting him: Andy canceled our date, I got antsy, and went for a drive. Bobby believes in karma and that he and I were meant to meet that night. In some ways, he thinks we belong together. He wants children and he has money. But, the main thing is that I didn't feel any connection to him. We saw each other again two nights later, and I still didn't feel a connection, but he feels a strong connection to me. Man, it sucks when that happens. Bobby wanted to see me each night that week, but I had plans every night. We saw each other again one week later; I thought I'd give it another go to see if I felt anything. Nope. I knew he wanted to have sex with me, so before he arrived I told him I didn't want to have sex and that I needed to get to bed early because I hadn't had much sleep in about 2 weeks (which was true) and would be going to bed early with the help of sleeping pills. Bobby and I had sex the second time we got together, but it was snoozeville, I wished I was having sex with Andy, I already knew I didn't want to have sex with more than one person at once so I was frustrated with myself, and it just felt creepy to me. I only want to have sex with Andy, which is sort of lame because Andy's probably seeing and having sex with other people - men usually do that yet women are demonized for doing it. Yay for double standards, especially ones I even buy into myself! But seeing more than one person at once is outside my comfort zone and I'm already navigating that, and having sex with more than one person at once is so far outside my comfort zone that I don't want to do it at all. Again, I confound myself. Anyway, my third date with Bobby consisted of sitting on my sofa, drinking wine, talking a little bit (I told him about Ethan and Andy), him trying to get into my pants, and my continually thwarting his advances. Bobby viewed my non-sex request as an obstacle that he wanted to overcome. It was exhausting and disrespectful but I can't blame the man for trying. But I grew tired of it so I popped my sleeping pills at 9:15, chased them with a large glass of wine, and sent Bobby on his way...my virtue in tact. I use the term "virtue" loosely.
Bobby texted me throughout the week. My replies were generic and non-conversational. He picked up on it, and last night he assumed I was making progress with the "other dudes" because I wasn't really communicating with him. I explained that was feeling stressed by the situation with Ethan and Andy and elaborated thoughtfully on the matter, so Bobby felt it appropriate to ask who fucked me the best. Really? My answer: Andy. Probably not the answer Bobby wanted. Then Bobby explained how he wants to "pound" me (his penis is small and I can't really feel it so there isn't much "pounding" to be done) and "touch my heart with his heart" because he thinks I'm a warm and good person. Wow...I suppose I should swoon from these grand statements, but I'm just not feeling it - perhaps because I continually have Andy-on-the-brain. Damn him! Ethan and I swapped neck massages on Friday night, and I kept thinking about how I wanted to be touching Andy. Ugh. Andy's been sick since last Saturday but wanted to see me this weekend depending on his health and work scheduling, but I had plans with Ethan this weekend and Andy and I didn't connect. Double damn!
I told Bobby that I obviously don't know what's going to happen with Ethan or Andy, so I want to leave myself open to other opportunities. Now Bobby wants to take me for a weekend trip to Vancouver, B.C. What the fuck? Do I want to give up an entire weekend to spend with Bobby? Not really. We settled on him cooking me dinner on Wednesday. Why am I even spending time with him? I guess it's because he's like an eager-to-please puppy dog who keeps sniffing around. It feels nice to be wanted, but after seeing him three times I'm just not feeling any romantic, emotional, or physical connection. Bobby believes we have a hidden sexual chemistry. It must be so hidden that I don't feel it. Perhaps he'll make a good friend. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.
When I started seeing Andy after he broke up with his girlfriend, some friends asked me who I'd choose if I had to make a choice. I don't know. I don't have to make any decisions right now, and I may never have to as they could make them for me. Ethan knows that I'm seeing Andy but doesn't know any details, but Andy doesn't know about Ethan but there's really nothing to tell. Hanging out with Ethan is like hanging out with a girlfriend who happens to have a penis. I've told neither of them about Bobby since I have no interest in Bobby, but Andy might find it funny that I met Bobby on the night he canceled our date. I might share that with him, but probably not. Ethan is a source of stability and security, and he provides me with an emotional and non-sexual intimate connection that has become a main staple in my life. Andy may be more of a wild ride; he's quick witted, sexy, smart, ambitious, fun, kinky, and brings out my feisty, sensual, and sexy side that's laid dormant all of my life. In a sexual sense, Andy's helping me learn to fly. When I think about what I want most in a relationship, being able to explore and express my sexuality is at the top of my list. Of course, there are other important factors but my ability to express my true sexual nature has been repressed forever, and it's finally coming out with Andy. I'll be sad when and if Andy clips my wings, because I doubt I'll find another person who brings out this side of me. For example, I was talking with Andy about a paper cut and that turned into a conversation about the thrill of him slicing me shallow and quickly with a knife. Intrigued! Then on Friday I rode my bike to work and my bike pedal gashed my leg and blood was gushing out. I fantasized about Andy, me, and a knife. So I texted my fantasy to him along with a photo of my bloody leg. Andy found it sexy. Who gets off on this type of stuff? Andy and me. It doesn't mean he'll actually use a knife on me, but a butcher knife (that was my cake knife for my second wedding) on a metal knife rack now decorates my bedroom wall...just in case. I feel like a demented sick fuck for being turned on by these types of things, but Andy is equally demented as well as receptive, and I feel normal when I'm with him. Yay for paraphilia!
Sigh.
Okay, I just need to keep reminding myself to go with the flow and enjoy myself. But it's also challenging, stressful, and nerve wracking. At least I'm learning a lot about myself in the process, right?
Andy canceled one of our Saturday night dates (for good reason but he groveled and apologized sufficiently, and I saw him the following Friday night so he's not on my shit list) so I used that time to work on my dissertation. It worked out well because I had a meeting with my advisor a few days later and I needed to work on my dissertation as much as I could anyway. Even so, my thoughts were running amok that night and I got antsy. I'd been inside all day and, more to the point, I was disappointed that I wasn't spending my evening with Andy. My little feelings were hurt. :( So I ventured out around 9:30 to drive to Alki, crank up the music, and sing to my heart's content - my favorite escapist thing to do when I get antsy. My car was out of fuel, so I stopped at my favorite fuel station to fill her up. Expecting to remain in my car during my mini road trip and singing adventure, I wore my yoga pants, a t-shirt, a black hoodie, and my pink Crocs - the same Crocs I wore the night I met Andy. I was waiting to get my change from the attendant when a man struck up a conversation with me about my Crocs. I returned to my car. A few seconds later, there was a knock on my driver's side car window. I opened the door, and the man who asked me about my Crocs was standing there. He introduced himself as Bobby, and asked if he could take me to coffee sometime. Why not? Bobby took my number, then I was on my way to Alki. He sent me a text so I'd have his number, then we talked while I was on my way to Alki. I was taking a break anyway, so he met me in Alki. We sipped wine in a bar, and talked for about an hour. We walked along the beach, he gave me his coat (awww), and he kissed me. I didn't feel any desire stir within me. Oh well. It was windy and cold, so we went to my car and made out for a little bit. I didn't enjoy the way Bobby kissed me - it reminded me of another date about two years ago where I felt like I was being licked and drooled on by a dog, and his tongue felt pointy. I wished I was making out with Andy. Then Bobby read my palm - awesome! Apparently, I'll have a long life but a I'll have major medical issue when I'm 50 that I'll pass through successfully; I've suffered a lot in my life but am better for it (this is true); I'll have two healthy children (really? I'm 43 and my eggs are mutating and dying as I type this); and I'll have money because the man I end up with will have money. I had my palm read in Hawaii about 2 years ago, and she said the same things so it'll be interesting to see how my life unfolds. I'm not sure that I believe in this stuff, but it's fun to contemplate.
I explained to Bobby the circumstances that led to my meeting him: Andy canceled our date, I got antsy, and went for a drive. Bobby believes in karma and that he and I were meant to meet that night. In some ways, he thinks we belong together. He wants children and he has money. But, the main thing is that I didn't feel any connection to him. We saw each other again two nights later, and I still didn't feel a connection, but he feels a strong connection to me. Man, it sucks when that happens. Bobby wanted to see me each night that week, but I had plans every night. We saw each other again one week later; I thought I'd give it another go to see if I felt anything. Nope. I knew he wanted to have sex with me, so before he arrived I told him I didn't want to have sex and that I needed to get to bed early because I hadn't had much sleep in about 2 weeks (which was true) and would be going to bed early with the help of sleeping pills. Bobby and I had sex the second time we got together, but it was snoozeville, I wished I was having sex with Andy, I already knew I didn't want to have sex with more than one person at once so I was frustrated with myself, and it just felt creepy to me. I only want to have sex with Andy, which is sort of lame because Andy's probably seeing and having sex with other people - men usually do that yet women are demonized for doing it. Yay for double standards, especially ones I even buy into myself! But seeing more than one person at once is outside my comfort zone and I'm already navigating that, and having sex with more than one person at once is so far outside my comfort zone that I don't want to do it at all. Again, I confound myself. Anyway, my third date with Bobby consisted of sitting on my sofa, drinking wine, talking a little bit (I told him about Ethan and Andy), him trying to get into my pants, and my continually thwarting his advances. Bobby viewed my non-sex request as an obstacle that he wanted to overcome. It was exhausting and disrespectful but I can't blame the man for trying. But I grew tired of it so I popped my sleeping pills at 9:15, chased them with a large glass of wine, and sent Bobby on his way...my virtue in tact. I use the term "virtue" loosely.
Bobby texted me throughout the week. My replies were generic and non-conversational. He picked up on it, and last night he assumed I was making progress with the "other dudes" because I wasn't really communicating with him. I explained that was feeling stressed by the situation with Ethan and Andy and elaborated thoughtfully on the matter, so Bobby felt it appropriate to ask who fucked me the best. Really? My answer: Andy. Probably not the answer Bobby wanted. Then Bobby explained how he wants to "pound" me (his penis is small and I can't really feel it so there isn't much "pounding" to be done) and "touch my heart with his heart" because he thinks I'm a warm and good person. Wow...I suppose I should swoon from these grand statements, but I'm just not feeling it - perhaps because I continually have Andy-on-the-brain. Damn him! Ethan and I swapped neck massages on Friday night, and I kept thinking about how I wanted to be touching Andy. Ugh. Andy's been sick since last Saturday but wanted to see me this weekend depending on his health and work scheduling, but I had plans with Ethan this weekend and Andy and I didn't connect. Double damn!
I told Bobby that I obviously don't know what's going to happen with Ethan or Andy, so I want to leave myself open to other opportunities. Now Bobby wants to take me for a weekend trip to Vancouver, B.C. What the fuck? Do I want to give up an entire weekend to spend with Bobby? Not really. We settled on him cooking me dinner on Wednesday. Why am I even spending time with him? I guess it's because he's like an eager-to-please puppy dog who keeps sniffing around. It feels nice to be wanted, but after seeing him three times I'm just not feeling any romantic, emotional, or physical connection. Bobby believes we have a hidden sexual chemistry. It must be so hidden that I don't feel it. Perhaps he'll make a good friend. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.
When I started seeing Andy after he broke up with his girlfriend, some friends asked me who I'd choose if I had to make a choice. I don't know. I don't have to make any decisions right now, and I may never have to as they could make them for me. Ethan knows that I'm seeing Andy but doesn't know any details, but Andy doesn't know about Ethan but there's really nothing to tell. Hanging out with Ethan is like hanging out with a girlfriend who happens to have a penis. I've told neither of them about Bobby since I have no interest in Bobby, but Andy might find it funny that I met Bobby on the night he canceled our date. I might share that with him, but probably not. Ethan is a source of stability and security, and he provides me with an emotional and non-sexual intimate connection that has become a main staple in my life. Andy may be more of a wild ride; he's quick witted, sexy, smart, ambitious, fun, kinky, and brings out my feisty, sensual, and sexy side that's laid dormant all of my life. In a sexual sense, Andy's helping me learn to fly. When I think about what I want most in a relationship, being able to explore and express my sexuality is at the top of my list. Of course, there are other important factors but my ability to express my true sexual nature has been repressed forever, and it's finally coming out with Andy. I'll be sad when and if Andy clips my wings, because I doubt I'll find another person who brings out this side of me. For example, I was talking with Andy about a paper cut and that turned into a conversation about the thrill of him slicing me shallow and quickly with a knife. Intrigued! Then on Friday I rode my bike to work and my bike pedal gashed my leg and blood was gushing out. I fantasized about Andy, me, and a knife. So I texted my fantasy to him along with a photo of my bloody leg. Andy found it sexy. Who gets off on this type of stuff? Andy and me. It doesn't mean he'll actually use a knife on me, but a butcher knife (that was my cake knife for my second wedding) on a metal knife rack now decorates my bedroom wall...just in case. I feel like a demented sick fuck for being turned on by these types of things, but Andy is equally demented as well as receptive, and I feel normal when I'm with him. Yay for paraphilia!
Sigh.
Okay, I just need to keep reminding myself to go with the flow and enjoy myself. But it's also challenging, stressful, and nerve wracking. At least I'm learning a lot about myself in the process, right?
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