Something Unknown

I'm home sick today and watched the season finale of Season 7 of Dexter. This was perhaps my favorite season. I love one of Dexter's closing quotes:

"We all make rules for ourselves. It's these rules that help define who we are. So when we break those rules we risk losing ourselves and becoming something unknown."

In the context of the show, the quote makes sense. Both Dexter's and Debra's beliefs were challenged and they broke rules they never imagined they would break. Their love for each other propelled them to grow. Whether or not they grew for the better is subjective. I think their changes were for the better, but, then again, I'm a criminologist who believes everything - including the idea of right and wrong - is socially constructed. In the context of our real lives, this quote makes sense too. Rules are imposed on us by society, family, friends, co-workers, ourselves, etc. We choose to internalize them. We choose to abide by them. We choose to reject them. We choose to transcend them. Would I break my most deeply held rules for someone I love? Hell yes. Would I break them for love of myself? Fuck yes.

I don't know if you believe in astrology, but I thought of it as nothing more than entertainment until I had my natal birth chart done over a year ago. My astrologer described my personality perfectly. I forced my mom to listen to my astrological reading and she thought it was spot on too. It was weird but I finally made sense to myself, especially my seemingly diametric nature. The planner who craves spontaneity. The critical thinker who follows her intuition. The practical person who welcomes impracticality. The risk taker who likes safety and security. The angel who's devilish. Things that make sense don't feel right. Things that feel right don't make sense. Welcome to my world. Two two things my astrologer said stick out in the context of the quote: 1) I'm a polite rebel. I'll do what I want, when I want; no one's going to force me to do anything I don't want to do, but I'll be polite about it. When it comes to men I like or love, my polite rebel was silenced long ago but it's been reemerging the past few years. 2) I'm an evolutionary agent of change for myself and others. I'm always pushing myself to grow, and through my interactions with others I also unintentionally push them to grow.

Thinking about the quote in the context of my life, I'm in the midst of losing myself. My internal evolutionary agent helped me identify rules that my polite rebel allowed others to place on my sexual behavior, perhaps out of self-preservation, fear, or lack of self-confidence. It took meeting Andy for me to realize the time is ripe to break my rules and venture into the unknown. It's not for Andy, it's for me. Andy's just the catalyst. Do I believe I have to be in a committed relationship to have sex? Fuck no. Am I uncomfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship? Fuck yes. Why? Because I've been punished by men for my sexual behavior that was none of their business. I'd be more comfortable if I had one-night stands or sex in a committed relationship, because I wouldn't have to break my rules or deal with my past. But I also don't like the idea of having a non-sexual relationship with Andy or, as a friend suggested she thought I was doing even though I hadn't considered it, using the promise of sex to try to lure Andy into a committed relationship...for which he's not ready. So where do I go from here with my trifecta of extremes? Fortunately, I already decided I want to live in the gray area and that I can have sex with Andy if it's what I want. Thus, it's time to break a rule and replace it with another one.

I admire pin-up girls and burlesque dancers. You'll catch me looking at them (or hot rods) before you catch me looking at men. I even have a girl crush on Imelda May, but, after I saw her in concert, I pondered my girl crush and why I admire pin-up girls and burlesque dancers. I thought it was because my dad introduced me to the beauty of the female body through his subscription to Playboy and photography magazines. When I was a child, I enjoyed finding the bunny in the Playboy cover photo. I still do. Then I discovered the allure of pin-up girls - so innocent yet sexy. For the past eight years, I've been going to burlesque shows and I often go alone. But why my fascination with these women? A couple years ago, a man I was seeing suggested it was because I saw part of myself in them. No, that wasn't it. I realized recently that I admire them because I see in them who I want to become: a self-confident, self-assured, sexy being who owns, honors, embraces, and is empowered by her sexuality.

I want to practice becoming this woman with Andy. The last time I saw him, I told him I have a surprise for him, but I thought he was coming to my place where I planned on surprising him with a private burlesque show with me as a solo dancer. But we ended up hanging out at his home and it wasn't the right place or time for me to deliver his surprise, nor was I in the right mental state. In talking with him today, I suggested that perhaps I'd be ready to give him his surprise when we see each other next. (Clearly my fears of scaring him away were irrational - damn fucking demon birds.) I admitted that I'd likely embarrass myself, but that he could at least laugh at and with me. Andy said he's sure my surprise will be great and for me to relax. The man has me figured out already - he knows I'm nervous even though he doesn't know what I'm planning. I said I'd do my best and that it'll be good for me. I also said that one thing I love about myself is that when I'm afraid of something, I tend to throw myself to the wolves rather than run from them because I'm not a fast runner, and, even if I did run, the wolves would catch me eventually. And if I make a fool of myself in the process, so be it. Yes, I'm ready to throw myself to the wolves. They can devour the rules that no longer serve me. Fortunately Andy will be out of town this weekend so I have some time to do more inner work before I see him again. Relief. So I'm taking risks, breaking rules, and venturing into something unknown. Maybe it's time for you to discover what rules are no longer working for you, take some risks, and venture into something unknown too...

Some quotes from Ralph Waldo Emerson that I like to keep in mind:

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

"Always do what you are afraid to do."

"The person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."

Best wishes on your venture into the unknown, when you choose to embark on that journey.